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Friday, February 13, 2015

A Hitchiker's guide to US Politics

Last night I had a disturbing dream. I've been praying for a space ship to take me off the earth for quite a while so I could avoid the Vogon Bypass scheduled for the earth. (at least I wasn't wandering naked in Foggy Bottom like some of my other nightmares). And I finally caught it. I have an internet friend who calls himself Zaffod Beeblebrox (you have to read the book to understand the references) and he was there too.

Oh but first was my usual nightmare where I'm running stark naked down the streets in Foggy Bottom. Yes, I can't have a nightmare without that part. This time I was over near the parking areas East of the Saudi Embassy on Virginia Avenue where if you arrive right on time you can snag cheap parking after 6:30 when Rush hour is over. I parked my car and a parking attendant who looked like a Vogon put a ticket on it as I parked. As it was after 6:30 and the signs clearly said "no parking" only between 4:00 and 6:30 and paid parking only from 7:00 AM to 6:30 PM (this is DC after all) I said "Lady, it's after 6:30". To that she took a sheet of paper with a sticky back and pasted it to the instructions sign. The paper said "No legal parking ever." Then she said "you are running around naked and I'll have to fine you for that too." As no one ever notices me naked in my nightmares that was an alarming change. After all I'm "really" in my bed over in far Brunswick Maryland. At that point I realized I didn't have a car either and that wasn't my car she was ticketing. That was a relief. But then squad cars from the DC police and the park police started pulling up all over. And more Vogons got out.

I didn't really run. I didn't really fly either. In my dreams I just kind of swish along with my feet barely touching the ground. I haven't flown in a dream since I met my mother in a tree 30 years ago. But that's another story. I think at this point I had dream clothes on but now I was running from Vogons, and they were chasing me. A crowd of them. Some strangely resembling Republican relatives, Majority House Leader Boehner (who was crying as he ran). McConnell who resembled a Turtle more than a 'normal' Vogon (whatever that is), a bunch of Newt Gingrich Clones and folks who resembled large Babies some of whom resembled Churchill or Rush Limbaugh and others who were just fat. I was starting to panic. Why they were interested in little old me I had no idea. I ran, or rather kind of flew/hovered to the Kennedy Center entrance where I went in and then back out on the lovely side where the Potomac is. At least the door wasn't locked. It was at that point I was beamed up. I could hear Scotty operating the transporter in the background (Dreams never make total strength but that is a good job for him now)

At that point I was beamed up to stand next to Zaffod Beeblebrox, who I guess was picked up having his own version of this nightmare. Or maybe he was taken out of his rubber raft. I don't know. It was my dream. I was standing in front of two vaguely familiar Gentlemen in what looked like a court room chamber. And I was full of Questions.

The gentlemen identified themselves as "The ineffable One, the ruler of life, the living and everything."

There was a panel of Vogons next to him that looked suspiciously like Chief Justices of the US Supreme Court; Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito and Kennedy. All made perfect Vogons. I asked:

"Why Vogons?"

The taller of the two gentlemen:

"Don't worry about them. They have a destiny to fulfil and they obey me."

The shorter gentleman just smiled and nodded his head in agreement:

"They obey me too.

Now a Vogon is described as:

"slug-like but vaguely humanoid, are bulkier than humans, and have green skin. Vogons are described as “one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy—not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous", and having "as much sex appeal as a road accident" as well as being the authors of "the third worst poetry in the universe". They are employed as the galactic government's bureaucrats." [Hitchhikers Guide to the Gallaxy, taken from Wikipedia for cut & paste purposes]

And certainly these Republicans, many Police and other government officials already fit the description. I asked:

"How do we have Vogons among us. I thought we were all humans."

The ineffable one replied:

You are finally seeing their spiritual essence my friend.

The panel of judges were looking at me with nasty expressions, but just nodded their heads.

"I see. But what can we do about them? They are mucking up the whole planet! I could understand a bypass. But we don't seem to be going anywhere."

The ineffable one replied in a nice manly baritone and with a beatific smile:

"I have a plan. And you are part of it too son. Be patient and it will unfold as it should."

I was starting to feel better. But dumbstuff me I had to keep asking questions:

"But I have to live there too. Can you at least take me with you to some place where there aren't Vogons destroying the planet?"

Be patient my son. I work in mysterious ways.

But Vogons? They make perfect republicans but why not Teddy Roosevelt Republicans? We used to have those. You know smart people. People who care about their planet and it's future. People who care about their own children. Why let them destroy your own creation?

The Tall one said:

"Oh but we don't come from this planet. Our home planet is the planet Kochopia and we are Slitheens from the planet Oileroon, here to hunt oil and money for turning into tar balls we can take home for our children to feast on."

At that point they morphed into the Koch Brothers, the room faded, and I was back in bed sweating terribly and not sure whether to laugh or cry. The last thing I heard was laughter and the words in bad German accent:

"You'll be back.

And this image:

Looks like I can't avoid the Vogon Bypass after all

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