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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Grinches Takes Washington

The GreenGrinch has a plan

After the Grinch failed to steal Christmas,
The King of Grinchdom was very upset with him,
He hadn’t stopped that infernal singing,
He hadn’t enslaved or dispossessed them,
Or put them to work in Grinchville factories
Or made them fight in Grinchine wars.
Instead he’d given them back all that well taken loot!
and acted very un Grinchlike, such an uppity snoot!
“We can’t have Grinches who act like Who’s
They might get liberal, they might laugh and smooze.
We can’t have who’s who don’t know their place,
To be poor and stupid and work for our race.”  

So indeed drummed him out of their society.
And gathered in their retreats to figure out a strategy.
He was quite content because his heart had become so big
He quite preferred Whoville
But the King of the Grinches didn’t know what to do.

Their king asked his council; “What will we do?”
WE still despise Christmas,
And Hanukah, and Ramadan,
And Marzipan, fruitcake, milkshakes, eggnog and fun.
WE still despise people getting together,
and quite enjoying the nasty weather.
Unless they are rich like Duke GreenGrinch.
And Duke GreenGrinch spoke up:

"Would that he were just acting, he had a very good plan.
Act nice and they went to sleep and he had it all there.
The key is that he made the mistake to actually care.
He dressed like Santa, and they bought the whole lie.
And didn’t look twice when he stole everything around.
Ah, I have an idea now how to make this all right!
An Army of Grinches to descend on the Capital!"

The GreenGrinch executes

So he went to his treasury and called all his guards,
And started investing in pork and lards,
Then called all his advisors,
and all of his youngest Grinch-lairds,
and he sent them to school to learn PR and business,
and he bought up schools, colleges and created institutions to schmooze
And with Grinches for teachers, he taught Who’s to be Grinches,
They learned about bottom lines, cost cutting and money,
and were taught that Christmas was quaint and quite funny.
And this thing called marketing made them pretend to love it.
While using it to sell soap, and guns and bombs.

And he bought all the newspapers and put Grinches in charge,
It wasn’t so hard, they flocked to his standard.
And he bought a thing called TV, and radio, and ambitious whovians.
He trained an army of Grinch lawyers to put poor whovians in jail,
And make sure this thing called justice would serve Grinches without any fail.

Then he assembled an army of Grinches to march on Washington,
Wearing tailored uniform suits, Grinch smiles, and beating little Grinch hearts,
They said “The Whovians are making war on Christmas” year after year,
until even the whovians believed it, in their irrational fear.

Now his army was ready, the plans were in place.
No need for a sleigh, the army had portfolios and briefs at the ready.
And they marched on Washington with abandon and glee,
They were going to save it from Christmas!
The Grinches were ready!

So they marched on the city and filled all it’s halls,
And stole all of it’s money, and painted all of it’s walls.
They still put up the lights and the carols and trees,
But the carols blazed out of boom boxes, recorded years ago,
And were sung by Grinches who rewrote the language!

You had Rancid Previousgrinch,
and his dog Baymore,
the Drunk prince of the House,
And Duke Greengrinch, all fat and smiling like a cat.
You had Rupert Grinchdock with his newspapers and radio,
And his army of Grinches marching in tow.
The Grinch Cantor was singing, Grinch Ryan leading the song.
GrinchConnell lead the singing and the Grinch press the chorus.
The music was Christmas, but the lyrics all were wrong:

“Deck the halls with balls and chains, fa la la la la la la la la
‘tis the season for whips and chains, falalalalalalala
Now yon carrion wants a job! Lob him out! In the snow, tra la la.
We serve our master King Greengrinch, fa la la la la, la la la.”
And their legions descended on Washington and thoroughly trashed the place.

Oh I wish there was a happy ending here, but there isn’t.
If you see them for what you are, you’ll soon be seeing double;
You see the Grinches are still in charge, and you and we are in trouble.
They stole Christmas again, and nobody noticed.

Happy Hanukah, merry Christmas, joyous Kwanza and a better new year, I hope.

Story References Doctor Sues’s book “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” rest is parody, pure fiction, and mostly my own imagination.

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